Now corn is one of those things I do NOT like to share with others…meaning my family. If you want a bite, either GET YO OWN or I will break off a (SMALL) end for you. Yes, I’m stingy with my corn like that! But mostly, it’s because I can’t stand DIRTY corn eaters!

I am a CLEAN corn eater…what is that you say??? Let me start by showing you an example of a DIRTY corn eater:

Ahem, Dick.

Look at all the messiness and corn left on the cob!

And here’s an example of my corn:

Yes, I’m anal about how I eat my corn. I start out by eating 2-3, sometimes 4 rows at first to start it off. Then I eat ROW by ROW, using my teeth to pry the corn out…CLEANLY!

So we’re at my parents house and I heat up 2 ears of corn (I use the microwave…4 minutes per ear), one for me and an extra one for Dick because I know when he sees mine, he’ll want some and I DON’T want to share with his DIRTY CORN EATING SELF.

We both finish the one…which was super sweet, crunchy and yummy…but that was not enough for me so I heat up another and it’s the LAST ONE!

Dick sees me eating this one and wants me to share some with him…meaning he wants a bite or FIVE.

That’s him with his hand on me, urging me to give him some.

But I know that he’s going to have more than a BITE and he’s going to make my beautiful corn ALL DIRTY!!

Plus, I’m not inclined because, well…it’s the LAST one!

Here’s me holding my arm out as far as I can so that he doesn’t take my corn.

“No! No! You’re BITE means 5 BITES and you’re going to make my corn all dirty!”

So, Dick wrestles with me and grabs my beloved corn!

“That’s what you get because you didn’t want to share!”

At least I’m able to break off half in the midst of us fighting over the last corn.

This is what he does to my corn.

And this is my half.

And this is why I don’t like to share my corn!

-Jane, Anal Corn Eater.

So, much to my surprise, when I woke up, I felt something all sticky all over my hands. Yikes! Luckily, this shit don’t stank however, it does feel pretty dang nasty.

It seems that I can’t get away from poo since in the last year, I’ve already had a couple of incidences…like when I stepped in dog poo, and when I was pet-sitting for my parents while they were in Vietnam.

And because I was laying down, getting up was going to be a problem, so I call Dick in to help me. Remember, it’s been a while since we’ve had babies in the house so Dick totally freaks out and screams!

“Girls, girls, come help your Mommy!”

The girls come and look and they, too, run off.

I’m like, “Come and help me!”

Dick responds with,

“That’s why I gave you two girls…to help with these kinds of things!”

OMG, such a chauvinist!

Finally, he comes and gives me a hand…but not to change the diaper…just to help me get up so I can wash myself and poor Benz.

Seriously, you’re gonna need to step up your game cause right now the poo-diapers aren’t even that bad given that his butt is small and because I’m breast feeding, they don’t even small THAT bad. Just wait until we start introducing solids…or do you not remember!

-Jane, Wife to Diaper-scared Dick.

FLOWERS FROM THE HUBS

It’s been a bit since he’s given me flowers.

So it was a super nice surprise when he showed up at the hospital again with these…

I really have the best husband evah.

Such a sweet thang he is.

I do believe he is a keeper.

And he has great taste too.

Love the vaaaaaz.

He wanted one that was the most fragrant.

This one smells just divine.

So gorgeous!

They became even more beautiful after we got them home, blossoming fully.

FLOWERS FROM FRIENDS

I just love flowers. Aren’t these just beautiful?!?!!!

So lovely.

Yellow roses are one of my favorites .

-Jane, Lover of Flowers.

In America, the BIDET…the secondary toilet looking thing that sprays water at your butt…is pretty much non-existent.

It leaves the Europeans (and others) to scratch their head and ponder how do Americans get their butt clean? I guess they don’t understand the Wipe-Until-You’re-Clean method. Although, there are some who aren’t as thorough and leave track marks…YUUUCKKK! They DEFINITELY would be in much need of a Bidet! Or, do what the Persians do…

Persians use that watering can as their makeshift “Bidet”. My beloved Dick also has his own make-shift Bidet or will jump into the shower once done with his number two business. Is this too much information? I wonder if Dick cares that I’m talking about this…

Anyway, Dick says the design and shape of the watering can is very important. We went to the garden sections of both Walmart and Target and found nothing acceptable. Then I suggested we go to Hobby Lobby. And that’s where we found it.

Isn’t he cute?

So having a small hole at the top is important so that went you’re pouring, the water doesn’t come out of the top, splashing everywhere.

And second, the skinny small spout is important because you just need enough water to gently cleanse the area.

Not a huge showering waterfall that will get everywhere.

This one would most certainly not be acceptable.

One of these days honey, I’ll get you a REAL bidet!

It does seem to be a much more hygienic process.

-Jane, Fan of Real Bidet.

NOOOOOOO!!!!!

WHY, OH WHY, WOULD YOU DO SUCH A THING???!?!?!?!?

And why would you even think that you could wash anything that has feathers?

Innocently, he replied…

“It was dirty!”

Now it looks like wet dog / ratty fur!

Buddha’s still happy but I’m not.

Into the trash it goes.

We’ll have to find Buddha a new one.

-Jane, Wife of We-Todd-Did Dick.

This TCBY that I happened upon is at one of those multipurpose Gas Stations...BP Gas, Buddy’s BBQ, AND TCBY.

When I was pregnant with the girls I used to have MAD CRAVINGS for TCBY.

Every day I would go thru the drive-thru and get myself a LARGE (When not pregnant, I get a kiddie cup!) chocolate and vanilla swirl with one scoop of M&M’s and one scoop of strawberries.

Just HEAVENLY!!!

Instead of waiting for Dick to take care of business, I drop him off while I excitedly go for a quick run to the TCBY.

I get a version similar to my old preggar days however, this time I get a REGULAR White Chocolate Mousse with one scoop M&M’s and one scoop strawberries.

This is almost ORGASMIC for me.

I’m SUPER DUPER EXCITED!

I’ve hardley had but two bites when I go back to pick up Dick.

Dick said he didn’t want his own and would just have a couple of bites of mine.

Except, he doesn’t stop at TWO bites, he’s continuing to shovel my beloved TCBY down his throat.

Finally, I had to just take it from him. I said,

“Hey! If you want to eat more, fine, but have a couple of bites and PASS it!

Ya know, like the movie FRIDAY…instead of ‘puff puff pass’, you’re supposed to give the same courtesy!

Eat then pass!

You’re making me mad now.”

Dick’s laughing of course, but this Preggar Jane is not.

Don’t make a pregnant woman open a can WHOOP ASS on you!

-Jane, Lover of TCBY.

It is a myth that pregnant women are to avoid caffeine completely and actually pregnant women can consume about 200mg of caffeine daily.

WTF does 200mg mean? How many cups is that? Don’t they know don’t use the SI (Systeme Internationale-En francais) System of Measurement here? Yes I learned something in public school.

Well, I found one website that gives it to me in measurements this Jane can understand.

Coming straight to you from the American Pregnancy Association! Sounds so official.

So here’s what they said:

Damn! 400mg for a Grande Caramel Macchiato?

Shee-yat! How many mg for a Tall? But a tall only lasts a half hour!

(Although I’m glad to know that I can still enjoy my green tea and Persian black tea without feeling guilty for forcing caffeine down my unborn baby’s throat.)

But that’s why I don’t go there daily…I only get coffee when I’m at Starbucks and drink about one or two glasses of tea a day. So, I’m doing fine if you talk about weekly consumption of caffeine…I’m under the limit. Click on the hyperlink for the full article on the Facts and Myths of Caffeine.

Seriously, I’ve cut back on coffee since being pregnant, but of course, it’s been cold and I usually like to sit outside and have my coffee…and cigarettes.

No need to balk again, I am not smoking. Remember I’m not a complete addict so it was easy to quit. For me, coffee and cigarettes (and alcohol) go hand in hand, like Jack and Jill.

Starbucks, coffee and cigarettes is more of the experience of sitting and chilling outside.

It is a nostalgia that brings me back to my youthful days of no kids, where I can just sit and enjoy the scenery and do nothing but people watch…

And do my Sunday crossword.

My mom sets it aside for me every Sunday. (We don’t get the newspaper.) I haven’t had time to do them lately so I have a whole stack of them.

36 ACROSS: Gaga or Godiva.

This is why I do the United Crossword rather than the NY  Times one. I can only get like 5 words on the NY Times one. You know you’ve made it when you are a question on the Sunday crossword.

ANYWAY, what started out as a blog about Dick and me having coffee and doing a crossword somehow has turned into a blog about smoking. Whatever, that’s just how my brain rolls sometimes.

-Jane, Scatter-(caffeine)-brained.

Even if it means you must don girly cupcakes & hearts underwear on your head.

He is quite the Dad isn’t he?

I don’t know too many men who would let their kids put underwear on their head and can look quite as sexy.

My how being a parent changes you.

-Jane, Wife of Swexy Dick.

I’ve always hated having to wait to warm up the car as it takes extra time and I always ready to just take off. Plus, if it’s cold or hot, it’s not a good idea to have the heater or air condition on until your car is warmed up but again, I would always be too impatient and not want to put up with the five minutes of freezing cold or sweltering hot weather.

But Dick’s good car maintenance habits have rubbed off on me in the last few years. Yeah yeah, I know, I’m so lucky to have you.

However, I just came across an article  that says warming up your car is not necessary and states that it doesn’t take but 30 seconds for your car to warm up. Dick disagrees but read the article and decide for yourself. (Click HERE for the article.)

Usually, we just sit in the car for about 5 minutes first but today the kids decided to get a little bit of soccer in while waiting.

When we were ready to leave, Dick discovers that the doors are locked and the car is still running!

I think almost everyone has done this at some point or another. I know I have. In fact, when Thelma was a baby, I was at a gas station on my way home from being out of town, and brainlessly get out of the car with it running and lock the door! Being in the middle of nowhere, I was freaking out!

Feeling like MOTHER OF THE YEAR, I went inside to see if I could get some help and luckily, there was a gentleman in a pick-up who just happened to have a JIMMY and unlocked my door for me. I thought it strange that he just happened to have one but who am I to complain! I was just thankful to have the door unlocked and my baby safe with me.

Anyway, Dick had left the door slightly open but it seems someone must have bumped into it.

Luckily, it was still cracked SLIGHTLY so Dick went to get a few items.

A wire hanger and some pliers.

I hate wire hangers but in this case, was glad we actually had one.

Getting the hanger in the door was the first obstacle. It was tight!

Then it was a matter of lining up the hanger and trying to pull up the lock.

The Caddie has an old school power door lock system where you have to pull up on the button on the left.

However, the hanger kept slipping off the lock and Dick couldn’t grab with enough strength to pull it up.

After several failed attempts, it then comes to Dick that he can instead try to just push the unlock button, which is separate from the lock and next to it, rather than actually try to pull up the lock.  So, Dick maneuvers the hanger to push down on the top part of the button, and thereby UNLOCKS the car!

My hero! Dick was ecstatic.

Of course then, Dick was like,

“You guys are so lucky that I’m a genius. See girls? Persistance and brains!”

Ummmm, have we done this before??? It seems some of us have more experience with breaking into a car.

-Jane, Wife of Genius Dick.

]]> http://janeanddick.com/random-stuff/dick-locks-the-keys-in-the-caddie-while-it%e2%80%99s-still-running/feed/ 0 http://janeanddick.com/dick/is-one-of-your-new-years-resolutions-to-be-healthy-drink-organic-carrotapple-juice/ http://janeanddick.com/dick/is-one-of-your-new-years-resolutions-to-be-healthy-drink-organic-carrotapple-juice/#comments Tue, 04 Jan 2011 18:13:37 +0000 Jane http://janeanddick.com/?p=18345 Our Juiceman juicer that we’ve had forever died a few months now and Dick has been missing it greatly. Remember how I much I hated making the juice? (No? Click HERE.)

I just didn’t like using that machine but I love the taste of carrot/apple juice. The health benefits are also unsurpassed, known to be beneficial and essential for good vision, for your immune system, as a preventative for cancer, and is full of antioxidants and vitamins.

After researching the best juicers out there, Dick’s been wanting the Breville Juice Fountain Elite.

We just got one and Dick is over the moon about it…super duper excited!

WHAT YOU NEED TO MAKE CARROT/APPLE JUICE

Since juicing takes quite a few apples and carrots, we try to buy in bulk.

Organic, otherwise what would be the point?

We get this huge 25-lb bag of organic carrots for $16.99.

Not bad considering a 5-lb bag is $4.99.

And a 5-lb bag of organic Fuji apples (my favorite juiced or just eaten) is $4.99.

Dick will occasionally add celery into the mix.

Although I like celery, I prefer my juice without it!

Proportion-wise, you need about 10-15 carrots for each apple.

(I actually ended up doubling the amount of carrots seen in the picture.)

JUICING MADE EASY

Dick is IN LOVE with this Breville Juicer. What he loves about it is that you don’t have to cut up any of the carrots or apples like we used to do with the Juiceman. You just drop them into the large opening at the top.

It’s so easy the kids can do it too, if they can reach.

The motor on the Breville is quite strong and your juice is ready in less than 5 minutes!

The strained juice comes out in a container off the side.

Just be careful not to overfill it because it goes spattering everywhere!

WARNING: Carrot/Apple juice stains like crazy!

Off to the other side is where the pulp is transferred.

Line the pulp container with a plastic bag to make clean-up super easy.

(I use the veggie bags from the grocery store.)

Just remove the bag and toss it in the trash.

If you make your own compost, this is SO good for it.

Although I don’t bake often, I think this would be great for cakes!

CLEAN-UP

Unlike our old Juiceman, the Breville is quite easy to clean.

Just rinse with warm water and use this brush they give you for pulp that gets stuck in the blade.

CARROT/APPLE JUICE: SUPERFOOD

Apple/Carrot juice is SOOOOOOO yummy, sweet and refreshing.

Did I also mention it’s highly YANG on the macrobiotic scale?

This is one of those superfoods that will keep you healthy forever!

I’m so glad the girls love it.

Of course, Dick is like,

“You guys are so lucky to have me. I make you guys so healthy.

What would you do without me?”

As much as I hate to admit it, this is true. I would not be making apple/carrot juice for myself if it were not for the influence and persistance of my lovely husband. God I hate admitting that.

He hands me a glass, “Here, it’s soooo good for the baby.”

Again correct, this is awesome for those who are pregnant.

This is quite orgasmic for him.

I must say, I’ve been craving this juice daily.

So, if it’s one of your New Year’s Resolutions to be more healthy, try juicing.

A glass first thing in the morning will boost your energy and is quite filling.

-Jane, Lover of Apple/Carrot Juice.

]]> http://janeanddick.com/dick/is-one-of-your-new-years-resolutions-to-be-healthy-drink-organic-carrotapple-juice/feed/ 0 http://janeanddick.com/dick/the-girls-give-daddy-a-hot-stone-massage/ http://janeanddick.com/dick/the-girls-give-daddy-a-hot-stone-massage/#comments Sat, 09 Oct 2010 17:32:05 +0000 Jane http://janeanddick.com/?p=16111 If I haven’t mentioned it already, we have the sweetest and most considerate girls ever! Right before Dick was getting ready to go to Gotham City for business, the girls decided to give him a massage in anticipation of all the HARD WORK he has to do while he’s gone.

Thelma takes one of my pots and fills it with HOT water.

Then adds some smooth black stones she found surrounding my candles.

The stones, which are actually pretty warm, are then placed on Dick’s back.

The girls then get to work. Some head massage, some fist punching…

Since they are somewhat light, Dick likes it when they walk on his back…helps looses the tight muscles.

Looks like someone is getting a little sleepy??? Massage is hard work. No wonder they’re usually done by those Nordic Amazon women…like the Swiss Masseuses. You need some crazy arm strength. Dick makes fun of me because I start to complain of arm soreness after about 5 minutes.

And actually, I’m not really a fan of massages. Dick tries to give me those deep tissue massages that hurt like crazy. Sorry but I’m not a fan of pain. I really just prefer the KARATE CHOPS or any form of light pressure. Massaging of the head is good as well.

-Jane, Fan of Getting, Not Giving Massages.

]]> http://janeanddick.com/dick/the-girls-give-daddy-a-hot-stone-massage/feed/ 0 http://janeanddick.com/dick/dick-enrolls-thelma-in-the-training-academy/ http://janeanddick.com/dick/dick-enrolls-thelma-in-the-training-academy/#comments Tue, 05 Oct 2010 12:28:50 +0000 Jane http://janeanddick.com/?p=15975

No, we’re not sending Thelma off to BOOT CAMP for kids. Dick was introduced to this training academy that teaches kids from age seven through high school and collegiate levels, performance enhancing drills that will help your child gain the balance, movement, and skills necessary for excelling in sports.

Dick thought it would be great for Thelma to learn some movement basics and how to properly exercise since Thelma seems to have a passion for athletics. Now, in addition to being excited about SOCCER, Thelma LOVES going to the training academy.

THE FACILITY

The facility offers a large, covered outdoor training area.

This area is netted and is great for days where the weather is not ideal.

There is also an indoor gym, where there are free weights and weight lifting machines.

The academy focuses on skills such as:

All this exercise and training is not for me. MAYBE when I was a kid (and no snickering like Dick does when I tell him I was quite the athlete when I was a kid.). I’m just not one of those people who ENJOY EXERCISE or going to the gym to do boring, repetitious motions…NOT THIS JANE. I’d rather cut my grass! Anyway, why do you think they put TV’s and HEADPHONE ports in all the gyms! Exercise is BORING!

Thelma loves challenging herself and sometimes being the only girl, she’ll push herself even further.

For example, don’t be fooled…these balls are WEIGHTED and Thelma always picks the heaviest one…on purpose.

Of course, Dick loves all the athletics that this has to offer.  Dick will take Thelma to the academy and whilst waiting, gets his own workout as well.

When Louise decides to tag along,  Dick encourages and motivates her to join him as well. At least they have him to encourage exercise, cause FO SHO they ain’t gonna get it from Momma.

Yes, I have to give him credit, he really is a wonderful dad. He knows it’s one of the most attractive things that I love about him…and often reminds me that I’m so lucky to have such a wonderful husband and father to the girls. Of course, depending on if I’m irate at his lack of assistance some times, I would mostly have to agree with him. Just keep on giving me a nice visual until we’re old and I’ll still be obliged to agree with you honey. (Don’t worry, Dick loves it when I treat him like the yummy piece of meat that he is.)

To balance things, I, too, make it a point to do the reverse, reminding him how lucky he is to  have THE BESTEST WIFE AND MOMMY EVAH…and he knows it.

Anyway, here’s a video of the TRAINING ACADEMY so you can see some of the exercises the kids (and Dick) do:

-Jane, Non-fan of “working out”.

Here Dick is showing off that he can bike with NO HANDS, rubbing it in because I can’t.

I am only proficient enough that I can now let go of one hand.

But, even at ages 7 and 8, the girls still haven’t outgrown the bike trailer.

I’m surprised it still holds them.

We actually use the trailed if we’re getting big items that need to be hauled back…

…like bulk toilet paper,paper towels, or a bunch of groceries.

But, the girls were lazy to bike today and wanted to RIDE instead.

I guess we all want to be BABIED sometimes.

I wish I fit in the trailer too.

-Jane, Mother of sometimes-wannabe-babies.

A fantastic match.

Here’s my dad, Freddie Mac, and Dick chillin’ on the couch watching it.

Cute!

I love how my dad rests his arms on his melly belly.

-Jane, Fan of Father, Son-in-Law Bonding.

“Honey, you know what would be so super duper sweet of you?

Is if you did the dishes for me.

That would be really wonderful.”

He was looking very sleepy himself. It wasn’t looking good.

“Not tonight. WE’LL do it tomorrow.”

I’ve heard this before…and usually WE means ME. Normally, I would have gotten super annoyed, impatient and would have gone and done them myself, ANGRILY. But I decided not to judge the situation, not get worked up, and give the man a chance. Early this morning and I hear clanking in the kitchen.

See? Clock says a little past 7am!

Such a BEE-YOO-DEE-FUL view.

Nice buns, hon!

Yay! Yes, I had to ask but he met my request!

Thank you my darling. I love you!!!

See? Trying is something. You might even get yoself a little nookie for this.

-Jane, Wife of Sweet Dick.

]]> http://janeanddick.com/dick/request-for-the-hubby-to-do-the-dishes/feed/ 0 http://janeanddick.com/dick/dick-has-a-soccer-injury-elephantitis-concerns-ensue/ http://janeanddick.com/dick/dick-has-a-soccer-injury-elephantitis-concerns-ensue/#comments Sat, 14 Aug 2010 18:39:15 +0000 Jane http://janeanddick.com/?p=14489 Dick was recently in Gotham City again and while working, he took some time off to play soccer with the guys.

I always worry about Dick playing soccer because it is quite an aggressive sport, even if only the feet are involved. Dick is super competitive (He claims he could have been a Soccer Star. Swoon…my own personal Beckham.) and plays hard. He’s a STRIKER, which means he’s the team’s PRIMARY THREAT.

I’ve seen Dick in action..he’s pretty awesome and FAST! However, he’s also injured himself on several occasions…sprained ankles, torn knee, achilles heal…but nothing compared to what happened this last time.

This last game he played turned out to be a most unfortunate one because as he and another player were simultaneously trying to gain control of the ball, the guy’s cleats RAMMED into Dick’s…well…Dick. (Too easy to pass that one up.) YOWZERS! I know you guys are feelin’ Dick on this one.

Surprisingly, Dick said he didn’t feel as much pain because it wasn’t a kick to the BALLS, it was just the penile shaft. So, although it hurt, Dick wasn’t that worried.

That is, until later when he realized that the entire THING had SWOLLEN three times his normal size and had turned BLACK! You know how they say…once you go black…well…maybe this isn’t the time…

Needless to say…Dick was in PAIN and CONCERNED. Luckily, he said it still functioned fine and he could still leak the lizard without any pain or burning.

When Dick finally got back in town, I took a look at it to see how bad it was.

“OMG, it’s HUMONGOUS!”

You remember it’s hard for me to sensor myself sometimes.

Just the balls were MASSIVE and not the other part.

ELEPHANTITIS????

It then triggered my memory of having watched this NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC special about ELEPHANTITIS. If you don’t know what ELEPHANTITIS is, it’s a condition where the scrotum grows to EPIC PROPORTIONS!

I joke with Dick and tell him he may have Elephantitis and will need a WHEEL BARREL for his “friends”.

What? Sensitivity Chip lacking? I don’t think so.

You know when you have something wrong with you and you tell someone and they’re horrified or worried…it would only make you feel WORSE about your situation? Well, I was trying to make him feel better. Pretty much every time I saw him walking his GIMPY GIMP, I would say to him:

“Honey, what if  you’re gonna need a wheel barrel?”

Looks like I’m not the ONLY one now with a  strange gimp.

That’s what you get for making fun of me!!! KARMA!

If you have the stomach for it, you can watch the video below.

(No, Dick would not allow me to show his goods.

This is a video of people who actually have ELEPHANTITIS.)

WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!

Not appropriate to open at work!!

Proceed with caution when viewing around others!!

Highly graphic material!!

GIMPY GIMP

Dick goes to see his doctor as soon as he’s back and the doctor doesn’t seem concerned and tells him only time will tell (and it’s going to take LOTS of time) and it WILL heal. Meanwhile, Dick is walking around while cupping his goods wherever he goes. He says that when he lays down, it doesn’t hurt, but when he gets up and walks around, it’s SUPER PAINFUL.

The girls are doing their best to take care of their injured Daddy.

They used their ice pack but the doctor said a warm pack is better.

Here’s a video of Dick’s Gimpy Gimp. You don’t have to sensor this one. It’s not graphic.

Quite a hard lesson to learn that one should wear a cup when playing such AGGRESSIVE sports.

-Jane, Wife of Injured Dick.

]]> http://janeanddick.com/dick/dick-has-a-soccer-injury-elephantitis-concerns-ensue/feed/ 3 http://janeanddick.com/dick/warning-indian-chilli-peppers-are-hot-dick-discovers-the-hard-way/ http://janeanddick.com/dick/warning-indian-chilli-peppers-are-hot-dick-discovers-the-hard-way/#comments Sun, 04 Jul 2010 14:55:17 +0000 Jane http://janeanddick.com/?p=13080 Dick loves to eat hot chilli peppers and tells me I’m not Vietnamese because I don’t and Vietnamese people eat quite spicy foods. He and my dad enjoy the small Thai peppers that when just taking a small pinch will make your lips burn like hell, a lingering hell. They tell me that you get used to it and it brings out the flavors in the food. Sorry but all it does for me is numb my mouth and I can’t taste a thing.

The other day, we were at my parent’s house and my dad, Freddie Mac, had bought some Indian peppers. He mentioned that they were QUITE spicy. I don’t know if you know this but Indian food is EXTREMELY spicey. When I was in Japan, we went to an Indian restaurant and their range of spicy intensity was from 1-30. One was already pretty hot and 3 was damn hot. Imagine 30. Uh uh, not this Jane.

I told Dick about the peppers my dad just bought and mentioned how spicy they were. It always peaks his interest when the food is spicy. “Yeah, bring me some.”

I always thought it was the seeds that make the pepper spicy but actually, it’s in the oils of the pepper. That’s why if it’s on your fingers, you better not touch your nose. I MAY have discovered this through first hand experience.

Anyway, Dick somehow did not heed my warning and took a big bite out of the pepper. Bold as ever. To his dismay, Freddie Mac was on da money. HAWT! It was apparent in his face that it was SUPER DUPER HOT. He ran straight for the fridge.

They say that when experiencing such hotness, milk products help…not drinking water, as one would think. Dick is pouring the milk on his lips.

His mouth and throat must be on fire because he’s drinking it.

Blech. Another great reason not to eat HOT chilli peppers.

Persians will also eat yogurt after eating something too spicy. Lucky for Dick we just happened to have some in my parents fridge.

His lips felt hot, were red and he said they felt like they had swollen up.

Why would you want to put yourself through this? Must be a guy thing.

Girls, we experience the pain once and we’re like, no…never again.

(This is how I feel about hot peppers and exercise.)

Guys, they experience pain and they’re like, I must CONQUER it!

(This is true for everything guys do.)

Next day, he had some more of the peppers but was more cautious to take it in gradually, in smaller chunks…determined to be immune to the Indian Pepper.

-Jane, Non-Fan of  Hot Chilli Peppers.

I walk out my front door and I’m greeted by my Buddha.

Buddha is so great to come home to. Isn’t his smile contagious?

(He’s still PIMPED up from my party.)

The air is FRESH, COOL and a brisk 60F on this beautiful Saturday morning. Because we live in an older neighborhood, we have lots of trees and therefore, lots of birds. Oh, there were so many of them flying around and serenading us. I felt like SNOW WHITE when she woke up in the morning after a night in the SCARY FOREST.

My grass is quite long…it’s because I loved having all these little white flowers that were growing wild in my yard and made it look so quaint and whimiscal that I couldn’t cut the grass.

However the grass is much more difficult to cut when it’s too long. As much as I love the flowers, I GOTS to cut the grass!

WEEDWACKING MAKES FOR SHAPELY ARMS

A few days earlier Dick had gone to Gotham City and had taken by mistake the keys to the Lawnmower. Perturbed, I did what I could and weedwacked first. Definitely the hardest part of cutting the grass is the weedwacking.

From Spring up to Fall, my biceps get the workout of their life and my arms actually get a littled toned and have some shape to them.

JANES: If you want that well-defined toned arm look, do about an hour of weedwacking a week and trust me, Bippity-boppity-boo like Cinderella’s Fairy Godmother, yo gonna have yo-self some SHAPELY arms!

Dick is back from Gotham City now so I have my keys back and am SUPER ready to cut the grass!

HI-HO-HI-HO…It’s off to work she goes.

(Whistle, whistle, whistle…You can picture it, right?)

MATRIX MOVES REQUIRED TO WORK THE BORDER

Like I said, it’s early Saturday morning (About 9am-Yes, that’s EARLY for me.) and I’m hesitant to start up my  loud-ass lawn mower. Luckily, it seems that all that worry was for nothing because my neighbor Ozzy is already up and cutting the grass too!

I start by working the outer border of the yard.

Working the border of the lawn, I’m doing MATRIX-like moves to avoid being smacked in the face by OVERGROWN brush and beheaded by LOW branches. People driving and walking by are giving me strange looks.

Why is this girl doing these crazy moves and taking pictures while she’s mowing her yard ?

I wish I had a sign that I could just whip out: BLOGGER ON BOARD.

TACKY-EYE-CRAP ON MY YARD

Anyway, I haven’t even made it one lap around my yard when I quickly come to a screeching halt because Dick has blocked off an edge of our yard with the frame of  a tent that got blown over during the same storm that took down our trees.

Ummmm, hello, if you’re not going to help with the yard maintenance, at least don’t make my job harder!!

Even though the frame is broken, Dick wants to make use of it and puts it at the edge of our yard because we sometimes have teenagers who like to cut through our yard here. Yes, this will deter them but hell, it’s ridiculously ugly and it’s slowing me down because I now have to get OFF my mower and MOVE IT!

Why can’t Dick just OBEY me (Like he promised when we got married…Love, honor and OBEY…) and put it where I told him to! Not there!

Just to give you some background on the tent, Dick ERECTED this thing so that he could park his car under there but when the storm hit, it blew over and broke.

Can you believe that Dick originally wanted to plop this EYESORE of a TENT in my front yard!!! Yes, the FRONT YARD!!! WTF???

I DEFINTELY was not having any of that HEINOUSNESS. Talk about freakin’  OUT OF YO MIND. We may not have a strict Homeowners Association but we have a No-Tacky-Eye-Crap-in-the-Yard Association! And it’s WELL ENFORCED!

After I get off my mower and move the frame, I’m annoyed but joyful that I can continue to cut my grass after removing the TACKY EYE CRAP from my yard.

What I fail to realize is that the string that Dick used to tie down the tent so that it DOESN’T blow away is still on the ground and I RUN RIGHT OVER it. So, guess what happens then???

The string has wound up all around my blades and TIGHTLY.

This is some heavy duty string and because it’s been wound several times around the shaft of the blades, there is no way I can pull it off with my hands.

After all this and I have nothing to show for it but some STRING that’s been wound up around the blades of my mower and a yard that still has YET TO BE MOWED. What’s a Jane to do???

To be continued…

-Jane, PRESIDENT of the NO-TACKEY-EYE-CRAP-IN-THE-YARD ASSOCIATION

]]> http://janeanddick.com/dick/no-tacky-eye-crap-in-the-yard-association/feed/ 0 http://janeanddick.com/dick/i-lose-dicks-keys-and-make-proper-use-of-lucys-apology-note-pad-she-gave-me/ http://janeanddick.com/dick/i-lose-dicks-keys-and-make-proper-use-of-lucys-apology-note-pad-she-gave-me/#comments Thu, 22 Apr 2010 13:24:24 +0000 Jane http://janeanddick.com/?p=10852 All day I’ve been pressure washing the deck, putting away stuff in the shed, cleaning, blowing leaves off the roof of the house, planting flowers…and in between all that, I lost Dick’s keys. (Because I went to get gas for my machines and didn’t put the keys back where they belong.)

RUMMAGING THROUGH TRASH SUCKS

Dick was pissed. Couldn’t find them, looked everywhere. Even in the trash bin outside because I threw a bunch of stuff away, including dead plants and weeds but none of it was really yucky because that’s all that was in there. Trash pickup just came yesterday. It’s possible the keys got flung into the trash along with everything else.

Looking through trash sucks. But, I did it in such a way that there was minimal touching, yet thoroughly searched and like I said, it was mostly dirt and weeds that was the dirty part and I already had my hands in it earlier.

As soon as I was done looking through the trash, I was going to make a 5th lap around the house to look yet AGAIN for the keys whenDick comes around the corner and says we need to go through the trash.

“We need to go thru the trash.”

“I already did.”

You did? You went through this one?

(Said in his non-believing tone. He’s referring to our kitchen trash bag that he had just brought out and put in front of the trash bin. And yes, I had already gone thru that bag too even though I was SURE it didn’t fall into the trash can in the kitchen. )

“Yeah! I went thru that one already!”

“Well we have to go through it again. We have to find those keys.”

And he proceeds to dump the entire contents of the kitchen bag all over our driveway. Well, let’s see…there’s the bunches of carrot and apple pulp from juicing this morning, the eggs shells from the eggs we had for breakfast, and lots of other crap…much more disgusting than dirt and dead plants I assure you.

I’m shocked and I can’t fucking believe he just did that.

“I just told you I already went through all that! You don’t have to dump it out like that!”

OH…MY…GOD…I am so livid. Why you ask???

(1) I have been working my ass off all day. See first sentence.

(2) I already went thru the trash.

(3) I managed to look through all the trash without having to dump it out and still see that CLEARLY the keys weren’t in there.

Now, I did APOLOGIZE TWO TIMES already for losing the keys because yes, I lost the keys.

HOWEVAH, that does NOT entitle one to be spiteful and make me pick up trash unnecessarily.

Sorry, NO WAY. It’s just plain meanness.

So, after he finds the keys (they had fallen between the mattress and bed frame of our bed. I had thrown them on the bed but when the girls made the bed, somehow, they fell in the crack), he says…

“Oh, and YOU need to pick up the trash.”

Ummm…what?!?!?! The nerve!!

“No, I told you you didn’t have to do that. I told you I already looked in there. I’m NOT picking it up.”

Then he and the kids leave to go biking (which originally I was going to go with the girls but then had to look for the keys). I still needed to shower and I was so mad that there was NO WAY I would be able to be in his presence without trying to PUNCH HIS BIG NOSE. So, they go and I go take a much needed shower and decide to avoid a showdown that would end up making us all unhappy.

So, while in the shower, I was still quite livid and had to get it out of me. I started screaming like a crazy woman:

AHHHHHHHH!!!! MOTHER FUCKER! YOU FUCKING SHIT!

FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU!!! FUUUUUUCK YOUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!

I’m so mad I can’t contain myself.

You know, I would have helped you if you just offered to do it together. I didn’t lose the keys on purpose. People make mistakes mother fucker. Yes, I’m still mad. So I make good use of Lucy’s “Apology” note pad she gave me.

I needed something to write on.

I’m usually really chill but if you piss me off, I get so mad I think could kill a man with my PINKY FINGER.

-Jane, Pissed off.

Remember I mentioned Dick is running a marathon soon, therefore he’s training and researching about marathons online.

DICK:

“Baby, I’ve been researching about marathons. And some people have commented about the long term effects of having run a marathon. Like, this one guy said he couldn’t do anything RAPIDLY for 18 months after he ran the marathon. And another guy said that at mile 21, he felt like his ASS BROKE. And, they say, towards the end of the 26 miles, you’re in SO MUCH pain and for the guys, you experience chaffing on your balls and your nipples (from rubbing against your shirt with sweat and stuff.).”

I’m laughing but really, why the hell would you put yourself through this? Is this a near mid-life crisis thing? Maybe an ego thing to prove you’re still young?

Sorry, not this Jane. I’m sure by mile 2 I’m gonna wanna go home. And if I ever did make it to mile 26, I’m sure my boobs canteloupes would not be none too pleased with me. That sounds super painful. I would need some super-strength sports bra. Come to think of it, I’ve never seen any big-boobied runners.

JANE:

“I don’t know why you have this crazy hair in your ass to put yourself through this, but whatever. Just don’t come back all hurt and shit. We can’t afford that now. I’ll be pissed.”

(I know, I’m such a loving supportive wife.)

DICK:

“Yeah, then you’ll see how much you guys need me! See how valuable I am!”

(Cocky as ever.)

JANE:

“Yeah yeah.”

I mean, Dick hasn’t EVER even run 26 miles! He’s been doing maybe half that!

He tells me he MIGHT have run that many miles when he was a kid. I remind him that was 20 years ago!! Ummm, things are a little different now honey.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I know Dick will finish this marathon and probably in good time. He’s an extremely good runner, at one point was even training for the Junior Olmpics. (Dick corrected me…He was already aJunior Olympian and was training for the Olympics. Ohhhh!)

But, he also extreme and will push himself to the limit…so if he doesn’t finish, it’ll be because he’s injured himself. Hence, my warning.

Here’s Dick after running with us while we were on our bikes (on and off) for about 3 hours.

Imagine what he’ll look like after a 26 mile run (approximate 4+ hours nonstop).

-Jane, Wife of Runner Dick.

Dick got a wild hair in his butt was inspired to take out all of his CDs the other day and rediscovered some of his old music collection. He was like an excited kid in a toy store:

“Oh! It’s Jamiroquai!!”

“Dayum, Soul to Soul!!”

“Milli Vanilli?!?!?!”

“Genesis, Pink Floyd, Michael Jackson, 2Pac, Ole Dirty Bastard, Everything But the Girl, Tony Rich Project…”

ETC, ETC, ETC.

OUR SONG

Whatever happened to Tony Rich? One hit wonder I guess.

Anyway, his hit song, Nobody Knows, was  popular at the time and we dubbed it “our song”.

Yes, cheesy, but, well..WHATEVER! Here it is in all its glory:

Nobody Knows

Quite a blast from the past.

Dick does have quite the collection.

He goes on to comment because now, he’s wanting to download them onto his computer.

“Who knew that CDs would become obsolete.”

Better get started. This is going to take a while.

In the midst of going thru the hundreds of CDs he has, he finds an interesting one.

It’s a Don Johnson mini-CD!!

Remember Don Johnson from Miami Vice? And does anyone remember that he tried to sing at one point too?!?!  This single is Take It Like It Is. Its not really impressive…no wonder he was never a Singing Star.

MINI-CDs

Because Dick grew up in Germany, they sold all singles on mini-CDs so as to not waste money and material for a full-size CD. Therefore,  in order to play the mini-CD on my CD player, I need one of these converters.

The converter is basically a plastic piece that the mini-CD just pops into. I wanted to upload the song for you but the file is too large (8.9M) and WordPress won’t allow me to post any songs over 5M. Anyway, it sounds like a slow song that couples would dance to in the 50s at a sock hop. If I can somehow chop up the song and post it, I will.

THIS JANE NOT HAPPY ABOUT THE NEW DECOR!!

Although I’m glad to have our music back, I’m not happy about how it looks now in our office. Here’s how it looked before.

Decorated nice and SIMPLY with some Asian, Zen pieces. Great for a peaceful atmosphere to work in.

Now, my shelves are CRAMMED FULL of HUNDREDS of CDs. WTF!!!

I basically flipped my shiz because it’s so opposite of ZEN and PEACE. See how it affected my atmosphere already???

To top it off, he then sticks some of my old decor in front of the CDs!!!

I’m pretty sure this is against all FENG SHUI rules!!

Not to mention, he stacks the CDs in such  way that it’s NEARLY IMPOSSIBLE to get any CD from the middle or bottom out!

And, see where the Frank Sinatra Collection is? Dick knows I’m not happy about how this all looks so he tries to cover the VCR tapes that were found in the boxes with that! We don’t even own a VCR player any more!!

I’m trying my mightiest not to put my foot to his ass.

Breathe. Just breathe.

-Jane, LOVER of MUSIC not CD CHAOS!!

Remember when I went to Mommy Day at Ballet? (Click HERE for that post). Louise was also excited to have me come to ballet but not as much as Daddy Day.

(For those who don’t want to read all the verbiage, skip to the PICS and FANTASTIC VIDEO of Dick at Daddy Day at Ballet below. LMAO!!!)

GETTING READY FOR BALLET

Since being in LA for a month, we’re just starting to get back into the swing of things. Ballet is in the morning so Louise and I are both up, we eat breakfast and get ready for ballet. Oh, and last night we had spent the night at my parents house. (We don’t have cable at home so Dick likes to totally lose himself in the TV when we are there.) So, Dick and Thelma are still hard asleep. Louise and I go back to our house to change for ballet. All of a sudden Louise says…

“Oh my gosh. Is it January? Please don’t tell me it’s January.”

Before I can say anything, she goes on…

“It IS January! Ohhh…I think today is Daddy Day at Ballet.”

“Well, you don’t know…it might be next week.”

“No, I really think it’s today.”

“Noooo, don’t worry about it! Let’s just go and see. It’s probably next week.”

We drive up to the dance studio and we see a bunch of dads.

“Ohhhhh, it IS Daddy Day!”

Ok. So I’m panicking inside. She’ll be DEVASTATED if Dick misses today but Dick is at home, sleeping soundly.

“Ok, don’t worry about it. I’ll go home and see if I can wake Daddy up.”

“Ok, I’m coming with you.”

“No! You go to class and I’ll go home.”

“No, I’ll wait here.”

We were standing in the waiting room at the studio and she wants to ensure that Dick is coming before going to class without a Dad.)

“No, don’t worry about it! I’ll go home and get Daddy and you go to class. It’s no big deal. Remember, you were the only one that HAD a Mommy come dance at Mommy-Daughter Day?”

“Fine.”

And she walks to class head down.

Ok, so I run to my car, run to my parents house, run inside to where Dick is sleeping, semi-whispering…

“Baby, you gotta get up. Baby. Get up. Today is Daddy Day at Ballet and Louise will be SUPER DISSAPPOINTED if you miss this. You know she’s been waiting for this ALL YEAR!”

“Umm, what?”

He’s in a half daze.

“Common baby, you KNOW she’ll be so upset if you don’t go!”

“Umm, ok. I’m coming.”

Still sleepy and sleeping.

“Let’s go lets go!”

I’m rushing him.

Since we’re at my parents house, Dick cruised over here in his PJs so he has nothing else to where. I tell him,

“Don’t worry about  it! It’s the new style! I just went around in my PJ’s the other day! “

(HERE is the story.)

DADDY DAY AT BALLET

So, we get there and there is just one other dad that is there. He’s super happy to see Dick and ushers him in line next to him at the bar. Louise is thrilled and is beaming!

So, here is is…pajamas and all…just after having rolled out of bed…doing ballet.

I’m laughing so hard while Dick is doing ballet. It’s cute and hilarious!

His form is sometimes less to be had.

Look who’s the only one not in sync. Hehehe.

Yes, excellent form.

WOW! Definitely ROCKETTE material!!!

TUTU TIME!!

It’s tutu time and since the dad’s can’t fit into the tutu’s, the teacher suggests that the dads put them on their heads. Of course, the kids are all like, “Yeah!”

Maybe Lady Gaga will be inspired for a new hat.

It’s time to do some work across the floor.

As you can see, only the cool dads show up. I love that they can have so much fun with it.

Dick is paying attention to make sure that he is doing it properly. Cute.

Wow! What form! You WERE paying attention! Wait…

I think I spoke too soon. From the looks of this, I’m not sure that either one were paying attention. From what I understand to be one of the BASICS to ballet is that the toes are NEVER pointed inwards, pigeon-toed. They must be free-forming it.

Next, it’s time to leap across the room, being sure to only step on the dots, with one leg in the air.

The other dad goes first.

I think his daughter is trying to push the dot closer to him. LOL

Its then Dick’s turn.

First step, great.

Subsequent steps, eh.

TAP TIME!

The class is mostly ballet with some tap as well.

So far so good.

Not quite.

Someone is still sleepy.

Ok, back on track.

A truely enjoyable time I think for all the PARTICIPANTS and the AUDIENCE!!!

Before we leave, Dick wants to attempt something.

Can you guess what?

He’s trying to do like the girls are in this picture.

Hmmmm…so close, yet so far away.

Keep it up Babe! You can do it!

THE VIDEO

Parts of this video is shaky…it’s because I was laughing so hard it was hard to keep the camera still. Enjoy!

-Jane, Wife of Ballet Dancing Dick

]]> http://janeanddick.com/dick/dick-daddy-day-at-ballet/feed/ 1 http://janeanddick.com/dick/wrestling-over-ben-jerrys-cherry-garcia/ http://janeanddick.com/dick/wrestling-over-ben-jerrys-cherry-garcia/#comments Tue, 19 Jan 2010 16:23:31 +0000 Jane http://janeanddick.com/?p=7440 My favorite ice cream is Ben and Jerry’s Cherry Garcia. It’s so perfect with bits of chocolate chips and red cherries. YYUUUUMMM!

Well, I made Dick go for a late night run for some the other night. No, I’m not pregnant. I just really wanted some Cherry Garcia!

Dick obviously wanted some too otherwise he would definitely not have made the effort to go out to get it. He came home and then was taunting me with it.

We do this to eachother all the time. We know the other likes something and then we flaunt it in front of them, telling them they can’t have it. Well, you can’t put Cherry Garcia in front of me and tell me I can’t have any!!

So I start to wrestle him to try to get it!

I may not be able to match his strength, but I will put up one heck of a fight.

Yes, I finally did get my B&J. Don’t be touchin’ my Cherry Garcia!!

-Jane, Cherry Garcia Lover

Now we’re back from LA and it’s a new year. This year, we’re getting organized!

A MECHANIC VOMITED IN MY GARAGE!

Dick finished the maintenance on our cars but left my lovely playroom garage looking like a mechanic threw up all over my garage and left me the mess!

I’M TAKING MY PLAYROOM BACK!

I’m missing my ping pong and so Dick and I start cleaning up the playroom garage.

WELCOME BACK GARAGE PLAYROOM!! I’VE MISSED YOU!!

We made a place for the ping pong table so we can store it when we’re not using it. That way, the kids have more room to play.

BEFORE / AFTER

-Jane, Returning Ping Pong Champion Trainee

Well, come 2am in the morning and true to Persian style, Dick and his family are being super loud and driving me INSANE! Persians love to talk and they do it with great passion. They don’t know how to use their “inside” voice, even when others are around and sleeping.

I’m pissed at Dick and his family’s lack of consideration for others. They’re not even drunk, just super loud. So I stomp out there and tell Dick that he and his family need to quiet down…well, that’s putting it nicely.

Besides the fact that they are laughing and talking loudly, I’m especially ANNOYED that they are IGNORING the fact that I’m annoyed. You know how you get more mad when someone doesn’t acknowledge that you’re mad. Dick is laughing and trying to tell me he has a great story for my blog.

“Baby, we have  THE  BEST story for your blog.” (Remember, everything with Persians is THE BEST!)

What?!?!?! My response?

“I DON’T give a FUCK!”

“Baby, you would never guess who we saw.”

“Can you please tell your family to be quiet. It’s late and the kids are all sleeping.”

“We saw Brigitte Nielson!”

“Did you hear me??? I don’t give a shit!”

Why would they think that I give two shits about Bridgette Nielson at 2:30 in the morning??? Ok, so it’s not that late for me but I’m already asleep and when people are sleeping, there should be some common sense. I stomp back to my room and slam the door.

SO YOU WANT IN NOW HUH? TOO BAD!

Still, no one gets a fucking clue and the loud talking persists. I’m super pissed now and want to slam the door a few more times but I want to be adult about it so, I refrain. Instead, I lock the bedroom door, knowing that Dick would be coming to bed at some point.

Fifteen minutes later and he tries to open the door. Locked. He taps lightly “Baby, you up? Open the door.” In fact, I am up and editing pictures now because I’m so pissed that I can’t go back to bed. But I refuse open the door. Dick thinks I’m sleeping so he rattles the knob again and tries to knock lightly again. He then starts to try to pick the lock, without success. Again, another rap on the door. I want to yell at him and tell him to go fuck himself and to go sleep with his fucking loud family. But, I’m trying to hold it back because if I let it loose, all hell would break loose and I’d probably regret all the profanity that would come spewing out of my mouth.

Dick then decides to open the door by removing the door knob. When he finally gets it open, he sees that I’m awake. “Oh, you’re up?!?! You’re so crazy.” Yes, I’m one crazy MAD bitch. I mean really…I would POSSIBLY be a little less pissed if they had been drunk but to be sober and so inconsiderate, I was LIVID!

Well, the next day, I’m still irate but he finally gets the opportunity to tell me about how they ran into Brigitte Nielson as they were leaving the Abbey. You know who Brigitte is, don’t you? In her youth, she was in films such as Red Sonja and Rocky IV, which is how she and Stallone hooked up. They married and divorced. Bridgitte later went on to fall for the ever so dashing Flavor Flav. What a cute couple they made. Ok, I hope you realize I’m being sarcastic. Flavor Flav may be a nice guy but he’s so FUGLY! Brigitte can do so much better.

Bridgette was heading into the Abbey as Dick and company were leaving, so they started talking to her. She’s Danish and can speak German so they start speaking German with her. Dick gets a picture of Mamma F with Bridgette.

Brigitte an Mamma F…they could be sisters! I think Brigitte looks pretty fabulous. I don’t know many people who can rock the short, short hair.

So, it’s taken me this long to get these images off Dick’s phone so I can blog about my loud Persian family, not Brigitte. I love you guys but I’m really sick of all the loud CHERTO PERTO (Which Dick tells me is Persian for Bullshit Talk).

-Jane, Tired of all the CHERTO PERTO

(Pronounced “chair-toe pair-toe”)

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