Fun with Jane & Dick

All day I’ve been pressure washing the deck, putting away stuff in the shed, cleaning, blowing leaves off the roof of the house, planting flowers…and in between all that, I lost Dick’s keys. (Because I went to get gas for my machines and didn’t put the keys back where they belong.)

RUMMAGING THROUGH TRASH SUCKS

Dick was pissed. Couldn’t find them, looked everywhere. Even in the trash bin outside because I threw a bunch of stuff away, including dead plants and weeds but none of it was really yucky because that’s all that was in there. Trash pickup just came yesterday. It’s possible the keys got flung into the trash along with everything else.

Looking through trash sucks. But, I did it in such a way that there was minimal touching, yet thoroughly searched and like I said, it was mostly dirt and weeds that was the dirty part and I already had my hands in it earlier.

As soon as I was done looking through the trash, I was going to make a 5th lap around the house to look yet AGAIN for the keys whenDick comes around the corner and says we need to go through the trash.

“We need to go thru the trash.”

“I already did.”

You did? You went through this one?

(Said in his non-believing tone. He’s referring to our kitchen trash bag that he had just brought out and put in front of the trash bin. And yes, I had already gone thru that bag too even though I was SURE it didn’t fall into the trash can in the kitchen. )

“Yeah! I went thru that one already!”

“Well we have to go through it again. We have to find those keys.”

And he proceeds to dump the entire contents of the kitchen bag all over our driveway. Well, let’s see…there’s the bunches of carrot and apple pulp from juicing this morning, the eggs shells from the eggs we had for breakfast, and lots of other crap…much more disgusting than dirt and dead plants I assure you.

I’m shocked and I can’t fucking believe he just did that.

“I just told you I already went through all that! You don’t have to dump it out like that!”

OH…MY…GOD…I am so livid. Why you ask???

(1) I have been working my ass off all day. See first sentence.

(2) I already went thru the trash.

(3) I managed to look through all the trash without having to dump it out and still see that CLEARLY the keys weren’t in there.

Now, I did APOLOGIZE TWO TIMES already for losing the keys because yes, I lost the keys.

HOWEVAH, that does NOT entitle one to be spiteful and make me pick up trash unnecessarily.

Sorry, NO WAY. It’s just plain meanness.

So, after he finds the keys (they had fallen between the mattress and bed frame of our bed. I had thrown them on the bed but when the girls made the bed, somehow, they fell in the crack), he says…

“Oh, and YOU need to pick up the trash.”

Ummm…what?!?!?! The nerve!!

“No, I told you you didn’t have to do that. I told you I already looked in there. I’m NOT picking it up.”

Then he and the kids leave to go biking (which originally I was going to go with the girls but then had to look for the keys). I still needed to shower and I was so mad that there was NO WAY I would be able to be in his presence without trying to PUNCH HIS BIG NOSE. So, they go and I go take a much needed shower and decide to avoid a showdown that would end up making us all unhappy.

So, while in the shower, I was still quite livid and had to get it out of me. I started screaming like a crazy woman:

AHHHHHHHH!!!! MOTHER FUCKER! YOU FUCKING SHIT!

FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU!!! FUUUUUUCK YOUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!

I’m so mad I can’t contain myself.

You know, I would have helped you if you just offered to do it together. I didn’t lose the keys on purpose. People make mistakes mother fucker. Yes, I’m still mad. So I make good use of Lucy’s “Apology” note pad she gave me.

I needed something to write on.

I’m usually really chill but if you piss me off, I get so mad I think could kill a man with my PINKY FINGER.

-Jane, Pissed off.

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