Fun with Jane & Dick

I am known to be able to fall asleep anywhere, anytime, in a matter of minutes. I have no trouble sleeping on a train, a plane, in a car, on the bus, etc. I’m not narcoleptic as my dear sister would proclaim but I have fallen asleep while talking on the phone before, mid sentence. I’ve also taken an interstate exit without having realized it until after I was going around the curve. (Thankfully it was there otherwise I’d be off in the trees.) All my notes from school would start out written all neat and proper but would end up illegible, with long squiggly lines that ran off the page. And if you hear me say, “I’m going to bed now.”, you should surely bet that I will be fast asleep in less than 3 minutes.

While working at John Deere, I hated my boring position as Trimmer Quality Engineer so much  that every day after lunch, when one BADLY wants to take a nap, I often considered pulling a “George Costanza”. I would check out my desk to see if I could fit under it and scope out my office, trying to determine if someone could see me sleeping underneath my desk should they come looking for me. I would need a little padding and a blanket. Oh, that would be nice. But alas, I decided against it.

When I worked at Ford, I had an office where my back was to the door. Not a problem. Whenever I needed a power-nap,  I would pull up some Word document that looked lengthy and prop my left hand under my chin, place my  right hand over the mouse, and just close my eyes. Thus, to any passersby, it just looked like I was bored reading some meeting minutes or something. A 5-10 minute power-nap does wonders. If you work in an office and are considering this method, it works great but I cannot be responsible if you get caught.

I’m also notorious for falling asleep in meetings and I’ve probably mentioned that I once fell asleep in the meeting with the CEO of Saturn. Obviously big titles don’t impress me. I abhor meetings. Most of them are completely boring and useless. The maintenance guys at the Powertrain plant (that’s where they make your transmission and engine) used to make fun of me and say “We’ll get to work if Jane can stay awake, HAHAHA.” Jab, jab, jab. My response was “Fuck off! Now go make my light curtain for me!”, jokingly of course. I was like one of the boys and could curse with the best of them. We got along just fine, me and my maintenance guys. I guess they were mostly just surprised that this little Asian 20-year old Engineering Co-op student wouldn’t get offended when they screamed profanities around her. These guys would be cussing at some supervisor and then turn to me and say “excuse me “. They were such gentlemen, always remembering that I was in the room and being respectful.

So as you see, I was never cut out for Corporate life.

Thelma and Louise have karate twice a week and have been taking it for over two years now. Class happens to be right during that time of day where my circadian rhythms slow down and I’m ready for a nap.

So, it is not uncommon for my kids to look out into the audience of parents to see their supportive mom nodding off with my head bobbing, trying to fight to stay awake.

Before we went to class the other day, my kids said to me “Mommy, you should be careful when you fall asleep in karate. All the other parents can see you sleeping.”. I tell them I don’t care because really, I don’t. I’m tired and because I’m finally forced to sit my ass down for about 45 minutes, my body says, “Oh! It’s time to rest!”.

Right after I tell them I don’t care, they both scream in unison…”But, you SNORE! And everyone can hear you!”. Dayum, now I’m known as the mom who falls asleep in karate AND snores! Whatever.

-Jane, Snoring in Karate Class-Mom

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