Every year I think, THIS is going to be the year I’m going to decorate for Halloween.  I love Halloween but inevitably, each year, we’d be lucky if we have a pumpkin in the front yard. Consistently, this has been the plan for the last 5 years and consistently every year, no Halloween decorations.

However, I noticed this year I already have a great head start. Happy surprise!! I already have REAL spider webs all over! The many spider-elves around my house have been hard at work for the last few  months preparing for this oh-so-special day, working feverishly to put up these intricately weaved webs to set the perfect spooky mood for Halloween…October 31st!

Ok, ok…so I’m lazy to sweep the cobwebs.

No matter how often I take a broom to these spider webs around my house, they’re back faster than I can blink. These little six-legged creatures are hard at work at night putting up these invisible traps for the other bugs, which I appreciate, except when I find myself passing thru one by mistake. Then I’m just screaming uncontrollably thinking the arachnoid is about to wrap me up with his sticky thread and swatting at myself uncontrollably until I think he’s gone.

It also makes me think of the well-known spider story kids like to tell other unknowing kids to scare them into oblivion. You know the one where they say they heard of this girl, who wakes up with a big blister on her face. She goes to her doctor. He doesn’t know what it is. She gets a second opinion, again, no answers as to what it is. Then she goes to see a third doctor who suggests popping it. When he does, thousands of baby spiders crawl all over this supposed-real-girl’s face, into every crevice possible. Apparently what happened was the girl was bit by a spider and it laid eggs in her face. GROSS, SUPER SCARY  and leaves a lasting impression when you’re like seven or eight years old. I like to kid Dick with this story when he gets a big zit and I tell him a spider has laid eggs in his face. Kinda freaks him out for like a second, until he really thinks about if it’s possible or not.

Most of the spiders who weaved these webs of death, I believe, are daddy-long-legs, as I see them everywhere. I know these things are not poisonous and don’t bite, but it doesn’t keep me from screaming like a little girl if one gets on me. Trust me, me screaming is not a pretty site. It’s not one of those nice shrilly screams so I know I would never be cast in a horror movie. A very bad, unsophisticated yelp, is more like what it sounds like. But these spiders have been hard at work doing my Halloween decorating for me so  I’m just going to let them do their thang!

We have this one neighbor (above) who like Chevy Chase in that movie where he’s fanatical about the Christmas lights, goes ALL OUT with Halloween decorations. Thelma and Louise LOVE going to this super cool, scary, fully-gruesome decorated house cause the owners have an entourage of people who get dressed up and give out a great little goodie-bag full of toys and good candy…not the crap like corn candy, tootsie rolls and dum dums that the mall hands out. So, as we were driving by their house today, the girls noticed that they were setting up their Halloween stuff. The girls now want to out-do the neighbors (Yeah right!). Therefore, they let me know our  ”real” spiderwebs are not going to  be sufficient.

Louise is spending the day with me while Dick promised Thelma he would go ice skating with her. Although I would love for us to go as a family, Louise is not interested in skating like Thelma is so we go off for some Mommy-Louise time. Sometimes kids just crave that one-on-one time with a parent so Dick and I make it a point to do things separately with them.

We hit the Dollar Tree looking for some arts and crafts stuff and guess what, they have Halloween decorations! I decide, we should just start with spider webs and see how they turn out so I buy what looks like a small cotton-candy bag (as Louise calls it) for the great price of $1.

We get to work stringing the webs everywhere. It’s not as easy as it looks. Big clumps are no good. Must stretch and a little bit goes a long way!

“Where should I put the cotton candy Mommy???”

Even Buddha gets webbed!

As I’m stringing this stuff all over my house, I’m thinking this shit is going to be a huge pain in the ass to take down when this is all said and done. Crap, too late! What I wanna know is, what happens when it rains? I think I’m going to find out today.

As much as the girls want to have a nicely decorated Halloween house, I don’t think they’re up for the task. After we string up half the bag, Louise is ready to go inside and we’re not even done yet. I guess this year’s decorating is just spider webs. Oh well, it’s a start.

-Jane, Spider-web Weaver

Halloween is right around the corner and the girls have been hassling me to get them some costumes. So, we go take a look at one of those temporary Halloween shops.We go try on a few costumes but I tell them to choose carefully because they change their mind as the wind blows.

Scary Masks???
Dark Fairy or Pop Star???

Little Red Riding Hood???

Material Girl Madonna or Britney Spears???

Dark Snow White or Punk Pirate???

Maybe some fun sunglasses???

Well, you’re going to have to wait and see…Which do you think they’ll pick???

What about me???

-Jane, Rasta???