For some reason, kids just have this inherent need to have pets. They just want to take care of something and call it their own. Like most kids, my kids wanted to be the parents of their own puppy. Fanny Mae had bought an adorable little Pekingnese for herself, so when my mom brought the tiny 1.5lb puppy home, the girls were all over her and, of course, wanted to keep her at our house. I told them we would give it a go for a trial basis but that they had to PROMISE to take care of her, feed her, potty train her, pick up after her, etc.

The girls immediately agreed to do anything and everything for the puppy because I told them I wanted to do nothing, absolutely nothing, and those were the terms of which I would be comfortable having that cute little munchkin in my home. Of course I knew that doing nothing was laughable because eventually I would ultimately be the one taking care of the rugrat, which is why I didn’t want a pet in the first place. I knew I just didn’t have the time. Fanny Mae was totally okay with this as it was an opportunity for her to avoid going thru the pains of training a dog and having someone else do it for her.

After getting my girls out of diapers, I thought the days of torturous potty training were over. I was wrong. Potting training a dog is like potty training a toddler. It takes lots of patience, dedication, repetition, and time. Time was the one thing I didn’t have. Ok, time and maybe patience. There was simply no time (or patience) for yet another living thing that was dependent upon me to care for it, feed it, nurture it, and teach it let alone have to run around after it wiping up pee and picking up poop. Dare I say I’d rather have another baby instead? Um….No.

We had decided to keep the cute little mini-Ewok in the kitchen until she was potty trained, which I thought may take a couple weeks, a month maybe? I would take her out religiously after meals, like ten times a day, but she refused to do her business outside. As soon as I would take her inside though, I would turn around for just a second and “whoop, there it was”! The worst is when I would get up in the night fumbling to get some water only step in an “unhappy surprise” – a big wet puddle or worse…mushy, yucky crap. Literal crap. EEWWWWWW!!

Dam%^, BLEEP! F#%@$*@ B#@$W$, Freakin’ BLEEP, BLEEP!!!

It’s so hard to get mad stay mad at such a cute thing as this.

I tried crate training too but I guess this little puppy didn’t know the inherently-known doggie rule of not pee-ing or poo-ing in your sleeping area. She would just plop a log in one front corner and sleep as far to the back as possible. Whaaaaaat?!?!?! This is not what everyone told me! You’re not supposed to do that! Ok, deal breaker!

As cute as she was, and as much attention as I got toting this sweet thing to the grocery store, lookin’ like an Asian Paris Hilton with her pet chihuahua…I could see this was just not going to work out. The girls weren’t holding up their end of the bargain and I was getting sick of the messes I would find myself in. Therefore, we returned her to Fanny Mae, but knowing that the girls could still see her every day if they wanted to.

A couple months later, still longing to have a pet, my kids fell in love with four bunnies that I found while cutting our yard at the beginning of the summer. I have to admit, they were pretty dang cute. Of course, shortly thereafter, we had to go to California for three weeks so, needless to say, we could NOT keep the bunnies despite constant begging from the girls. I have also been well-warned that bunnies multiply like mad and I’m not looking to be the next Octo-Bunny-Mom.

So, NO BUNNIES!

Being the persistent little bugars that they are, this is not the last time I hear about getting a pet. Now they’re wanting a guinea pig or hamster. So yes, these are a little lower maintenance but you still have to feed them, give them water and clean their cage… which inevitably makes your whole house smell like the men’s bathroom – Ranky-dank urine foulness with a tinge of pine from the wood shavings!  (Especially Guinea Pigs).

I’ve had hamsters before too and I know they are super clever at getting out of their cage. One sleepy morning when I was in middle school, I went to take a shower to get ready for school. I’m exhausted, slow and my eyes hardly open so imagine my complete shock to see out of my peripheral vision what I thought was a wet mouse frantically trying to get out of the shower.  I mistook my hamster for a rodent and was startled awake into a screaming frenzy, naked, in the shower. Not happy.

So…NO GUINEA PIGS, NO HAMSTER!

However, Thelma and Louise must have thought money was the reason why I didn’t let them keep the bunnies so, being the resourceful kids that they are, they decided to figure out a way to work around the “money issue”.

Later, they come running up to me:

“Mommy, mommy! We found some bunnies and they’re FREE!”

-Thelma & Louise

“Oh, uh, great!”

-Jane, (Can you hear my enthusiasm?)

“Come on, Mommy! We’ll show you!”

-Thelma & Louise

I was completely surprised to find out that my 6 and 7-yr old girls had tried to research for themselves and use the internet to find free bunnies around our area. Wow! Kids and technology these days. Amazing! Super-impressed but not enough to get a bunny.

Sorry girls! Let’s wait until you REALLY can take care of a pet of your own. Don’t forget, you still have Monk and Ducky to take care of!

-Jane, Non-pet Owner